I’ve been sitting with coaching clients for thousands of hours. All of them want something (even if some don’t quite yet know what it is, or if the thing they want is to want less).
Generally, we want to move 𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴 something (a desire, dream, goal, behaviour, possessions, state of mins), or 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 from something (a pain, intrusive thoughts, unhealthy habits, bad health, challenging emotions, mental illness, lack of meaning and purpose, loneliness, being overlooked for promotion).
One of the things that makes coaching such a powerful conversation is the coach’s ability to get to the core of what a client REALLY wants. It saves a tremendous amount of time working on things that are at best a stepping stone, and at worst a distraction.
The technique to get to what someone really wants has many names and comes in many forms. I like to call it “laddering”. Because we’re getting to a higher-level goal (or you may picture it as climbing 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 the ladder to the depth of their desire).
Wondering what that might sound like?
Take a moment to think about something that you want.
Go on, I’ll wait…
…
…
Got something? Good. I’ll call it [______________].
Now imagine you already had [______________]. In your mind, travel to that future, and take a look around and within – until it feels like the present moment – a reality in which you’ve achieved or acquired [______________]
…
What’s changed now that you’ve got [______________]? What does that give you? How is your life, your work, your experience of being you, different now to what it was before you had [______________]? What does it lead to? What did it put in motion, if anything?
…
From here on you keep laddering, until you don’t get anywhere anymore.
If it still feels abstract, let me give you two examples that start out the same and end up being quite different desires:
1. I want [a promotion] —> [more money] —> [buying a big house and an electric car] —> [being looked up to by neighbours and colleagues] —> [earning the respect of my parents and siblings] —> [feeling good about myself because I’ve made it, not being ashamed anymore and doubting my worth] —> [self-acceptance, letting go of anxiety] —> [happiness, inner peace]
2. I want [a promotion] —> [more money] —> [buying a big house and an electric car] —> [worrying less about money, more space to raise a family, doing my part to save the environment] —> [hope, feeling of contribution] —> [happiness, inner peace]
You can see how these two examples both end in a feeling of inner peace, less anxiety, and happiness. You can also see that the values that drive both of these people are centred around family and other people, but that they have very different qualities to them, and that the latter veers more into the realm of contribution, while the former is more concerned about status and reputation.
Now as a coach I’m not judging people’s motivation to create change. What’s important is to be(come) aware of what’s driving us, so that perhaps we may skip a few steps and work straight towards the ultimate desire.
If you wanted to practice this, take the example of [losing weight/dieting], and see how many different lines of answers you can create? What do they lead to? Ho w many different categories of “ultimate desires” can you come up with? I’d love you to share this with me! If you do, I promise I’ll write you back with my answer.
With Love
Yannick
